One of my many starts...

So this is probably about the 3rd or 4th time I've tried to get into shape (documented atleast). There have been countless other times. I have never figured out why I just can't do it and follow through. I've realized in my self-reflection, that I have never really accomplished a goal that I had to work hard at. I always took the easy way and somehow squeaked by. I never did exceptionally well in school or sports because I could do fairly well without much effort and so I never really tried. This has been the case in almost every aspect of my life, unfortunately.

So now I have to figure out how to change this way of life I've gotten into after 32 years of life. It has been very frustrating and difficult to say the least and I find myself feeling so out of control, not only of my physical body but of my mind and spirit and family. I didn't realize that exercising was also a form of discipline that affected other aspects of life that aren't physical.

And now I feel I am very near my lowest point. I don't like who I have become, I'm not half as fun as I used to be and I'm so focused on how others see my fatness and how uncomfortable I am in anything I wear that isn't an oversized tee-shirt and gym shorts. I now have more "comfy" clothes than nice clothes I can be seen in public in and of those more appropriate ones, I either think they are ugly or hate them because I look terrible or simply can't fit into them.

I have let this issue overcome my life and frankly, I'm sick and tired of it. I need to have more control of my life. I want to love myself and to feel in control. For my family AND for me.

My goal is simple, I will exercise everyday (with the exception of Sunday), because when I do, I feel so much better about everything, the day, being in my own skin, my life. And I know that I did something that day that was hard and that will help me.

So far, I have exercised everyday this week (I know today is Tuesday and the week just started yesterday but I did it) And I feel great! It wasn't THAT hard. I have some Jillian Michael's workout videos that I like and I also have the Insanity series that I would like to do after my "30 day SHRED".

I just want to be healthy and feel good and in control. And I can do this!

I wanna be skinny!!

I want to see what I look like skinny!!! I haven't really met my collarbones yet and I'm 32 years old. But I am pretty sure they are there. I have been told (maybe so I could feel good about being overweight) that because of my build, I will never be skinny. But that is just an excuse. The skinniest I have been in my adulthood was when I was age 23 and very sick. And that is not the way I want to get skinny.

So here I am, age 32, three kids with the knowledge that we will probably have more, 190 pounds of roundness, a closetful of clothes I don't fit into but stretch well enough that I put off buying more with the hope that I can overcome this challenge I call my life. And a renewed determination that I can get there, one step at a time.